It’s been another one of those up and down days. I just couldn’t help feeling down as soon as I got up and burst out crying for no particular reason. It’s such a bizarre situation and your emotions are all over the place. I’d got up to express at 5am and called the hospital just to see how April was. The midwife was lovely and really put my mind at ease.
She’d had a relatively good night, but again her oxygen was up and down…had been all night and pretty much was again all day. Yesterday she had been so restless after the move and I guess maybe it was maternal instinct, but I knew there was something wrong.
Today she seemed happier and we started with doing her cares when I arrived at the hospital. Over the last week or so I’d start with her washing and mouth care (washing her mouth with a little breast milk) and Phil would generally change her nappy. Today it was my turn to do nappy…at first it was just wet, so I got her all changed and then she decided to let rip and wee and poo everywhere! I think she did it on purpose. She actually likes having her happy changed, and is quite happy lying there with her legs in the air while we get the job done. So, even though she is tiny, she still behaves like a term baby!
Then after cares she was so agitated again and started howling. The nurses were nowhere to be seen and I just felt so anxious. Stuck in her incubator, I couldn’t get her out to hold her or soothe her. I just have to out my hand through the holes and stroke her head. Things like this are what I find really hard…not being to get hold of her and doing what you’d do with a normal crying baby. Eventually she settled down and I could escape for lunch.
After having pre-eclampsia my blood pressure in Middlesbrough had been hard to control and I’m currently on high dosage of blood pressure tablets. Once being discharged and going back to Carlisle I still needed to be monitored. It is nice going back into the old ante natal ward and seeing the midwives who had cared for me initially. And good news…my blood pressure was 120/74 today. A much more normal reading. Hopefully soon I can be referred to my GP who can start to wean me off the drugs. I’m still in quite a bit of pain from the C-section, but stopped my antibiotics today (they thought I may have had an infection initially) – I’ve probably been doing too much not lying in the hospital bed anymore, but my baby girl needs me. God knows how people who have planned C-sections cope with a new baby after the surgery!
This afternoon with April made me feel so much better. She got moved over to a heated cot. This is such a big step. We thought she’d be in an incubator for so much longer than this! Her temperature is normal, so they must feel she is able to cope with it. I have no tiny baby clothes for her….we’ve had some lovely things sent, but very few are for such a tiny baby. Luckily the hospital have a cupboard full of small clothes, so to go in the cot she was wrapped up in lots of layers. She also now has blankets on too and looked so snug, she settled really well in the cot after cuddles. Normally she is a bit restless when she’s put back in the incubator, but today she seemed to like the cot. Fingers crossed she has a good night…I know I’ll sleep better!
I’ve been having some bad dreams recently (on top of the lack of sleep) – a few days after April was born. I had a dream that a midwife was so sick of me and my blood pressure and pushed my hospital bed out of the window – we were ten stories up and my bed went plummeting. I shot upright I a cold sweat, then was in floods of tears as the pain was unbearable…you don’t want to be jumping up like that after a C-section believe me!
Last night’s dream there was a bear attacking me in our house…again it woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I looked up what the dreams mean and it’s all about feeling out of control, emotional and a bear apparently represents ‘motherhood’ – just hope I do have a good nights sleep and don’t have many more!